Yo! Bring Me Some Food!

Posted On July 31, 2019

Yo! Your boy Vinnie B. is back with you to tackle one of the greatest problems facing humanity: having to get your own damn food!

Let’s face it. If you’re like most Americans you eat so damn much that you no longer have the energy to go get your own food. It’s a vicious cycle.

But don’t worry, Vinnie B. is here to go over all the top food delivery services. However, ain’t nothing free. In order to decide which of these delivery services is the cheapest of the cheap I’m finna order a Big Mac extra value meal from Mickey D’s on Calle Ocho from each.

So sit back, relax, and mangia!

Uber Eats

First up we have Uber Eats. I have to admit I’m optimistic because it combines two of my favorite things: Uber and eats. Uber has gotten Vinnie B. home from South Beach many a night he had too much vino.

I added a Big Meal meal to my Uber Eats cart and it rang up as $8.10. Seems a bit higher than if I went myself, but the idea is that I don’t have to go myself.

But that is just the tip of the iceberg lettuce when it comes to fees! I was charged a $2 small order fee, a $1.2 service fee, and a $1.99 fee. For a total of $13.88 — before the tip!

So that’s right. If you just want you a snack you’ll be paying more in fees and tip than food with Uber Eats.

That’s whack af, yo!

Grubhub

Next up is Grubhub. Don’t you just love it when a company names itself by combining two words that rhyme? #marketing

Grubhub starts off with some sobering statistics. Only 58% of customers reported their food was on time, while only 63% reported they got the right food!

How disappointing it must be to order a Big Mac and get a Filet-o-Fish.

The price of a Big Mac extra value start at a staggering $8.79.

But prepare yourself for fees!!! Grubhub adds a $5.98 delivery fee, $1.04 in tax, and a suggested $3.16 tip.

$18.97 to get a Big Mac meal delivered from Grubhub.

In the words of my queen, Ari, “thank u, next!”

DoorDash

Thirdly we’ve got DoorDash. Both ‘door’ and ‘dash’ start with the letter ‘d’. So why not? #marketing

After reviewing the first two services its looking bleak, so maybe the double d can do Vinnie B. a solid and come through with some food that won’t break the bank with fees.

After adding the Big Mac extra value meal to our shopping cart we’re looking at $7.49. Already cheaper than the others.

Here come the fees. They bundle their fees with the tax to minimize the sticker shock. They work out at $3.72. The $5.99 delivery fee would have been a deal breaker, but its waved because of the new partnership between DoorDash and McDonalds.

They suggest giving the delivery person — named a ‘Dasher’ because it starts with the letter ‘d’ and #marketing — a $2 tip. That’s a total of $13.21. The lowest thus far, but still almost twice as much in fees as the cost of the food.

Postmates

Last up is Postmates. I honestly don’t get this name, but if they can get me cheap eats delivered it’s whatevs.

All I can say when I added my Big Mac meal to my Postmates cart was holy crap! $12.99 for just the food? That’s nearly twice what some of the competitors charge. This ain’t good or as Mrs. B says “¡no es bueno!”.

I cold only hope that the fees were included in that price to avoid sticker shock, but no way, Jose! Postmates stacked on a $2.99 delivery fee and $2.83 in taxes and fees. So we’re at $18.11 before the freakin’ tip!

Are you for real, Postmates? Fuhgeddaboudit!

Closing Thoughts

Order a Big Mac, hold the fees!

• DoorDash: $13.21
• Uber Eats: $13.88 + tip
• Postmates: $18.11 + tip
• Grubhub: $18.97

It’s a luxury to have your food brought right to you. And luxuries, as we’ve seen, are expensive. So summing up you should get your butt off the couch and go to get your own food. Why you so spoiled?

And after this report that claims 28% of drivers snack on your food you’ll be glad you did!